"I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but..."

Let's face it. No sentence should EVER start that way. It's awkward, skin-crawling. So where would one hear it?

The conversation starts innocently enough... "I like your shoes," he says in a slight Hispanic accent. You know the white-haired, overweight guy walking next to you is just being friendly as he's coming up behind you on the path. "Are they good for walking?"

He's referring to your Crocks. They stand out quite well because it's winter. You're wearing brown hiking pants and a brown fleece, and the molded foam rubber around your feet is startlingly off-white in contrast. "They're comfortable," you say, wondering how new to the country this guy must be if he's never seen Crocks before. They tend to make anyone who wears them a tad like Ronald McDonald, without the makeup of course, but just as easy for anyone on the planet to identify.

"Do you walk in them much? Like, to work out?" he asks. You explain that you're just working off some extra holiday calories, but to be friendly you add that you used to work out more often and need to get back in shape. You used to row, which was one reason you moved near the lake here in Oakland, but you haven't been getting much exercise lately.

Some old hippie riding his bike along the top of the hill alongside the shoreline calls down "Hey Francisco! How was your New Year?!" Francisco, still walking next to you calls back with a reciprocal but curt response, and you deduce "So you've lived here long?"

He's been here a while, he says, and continues "You really don't look like you need to be working out. You're in good shape!"

While you're somewhat flattered, it would be a lot more meaningful coming from the tights-wearing 25 year old who just jogged by. Shouldn't she need a permit to conceal those things? You shrug your shoulders. "Eh, I could stand to lose a good 20 pounds."

"Well, I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but... I want to imagine you naked."

Did you really just hear this guy say that to you? Maybe he's actually just one of those woo-woo psychic power crystal healer people. They talk like that, right? You let all this process before saying politely "well, that makes me uncomfortable."

He doesn't take the hint. "Maybe you'd be interested in a massage? A little playing around?"

"NOT AT ALL."

And then, just in case you really are just playing hard to get... "I could offer you some money..."

As if you would respond "Well why didn't you say so in the first place?" Instead you just say the first thing that comes to mind...

"DEFINITELY NOT."

"Well, I see. I'm sorry. No hard feelings."

No. Definitely no hard feelings, thanks. In fact, please take your hard feelings elsewhere.

...Coming back around the lake 45 minutes later, you think maybe you'll run into Francisco again. Sure enough, here he comes, walking back from where you first saw him there by the "Children's Fairyland" sign.

He smiles at you. Gross.

You muster the gall to ask "Any luck?"

"None at all."

Quite sincerely you say "I'm so sorry for you," as you walk past.